If you knew what lied behind these dark eyes, these morbid thoughts you would not come so close, you would run. Where I sat at the edge of my bed a sharp object looked at me; I could hear it calling my name, in a soft seductive tone. The razor glistening so brightly before my eyes, its edges perfectly curled into a 90 degree angle. My thoughts started to torment me; everything that lingered in my body was transfixed on fulfilling my whims. I grabbed the razor, my right hand trembling gently and I slowly revealed my left wrist. My delicate skin staring at me trying to seek sympathy as I gently punctured a small cut in my wrist.The relief of pain seemed overwhelming, and in that moment of madness I forget this world, this pain I seemed to drown in day in and day out. But this pleasure was a momentarily thing, like a droplet of honey into the mouth of a hungry man. Thick blood trickled into my bed and slowly the throbbing pain of my wrist became a reality. I realized then my mistake, the bed sheet drenched in fresh blood, my head spinning from the loss of fluid. Why was it that I tried to seek pleasure through pain? Sweet pain I used to describe it but it is destruction, this world was not destroying me, I was destroying myself with my own hands. I could not blame others, this was my mess and these morbid thoughts I summoned were for my own entertainment. I walked on darkness because I allowed myself, and when my friends reminded me of this I scorned at them saying they did not understand me.

And now I look back at those days of grieve and pain and realize I was slowly bleeding myself to death and had it not been for guidance I may have not lived to this day. It was only during my stage of depression that I was fortunate enough stumble upon something that had changed my life. I desired to reinvent myself and it was ever so strange that I managed to find words that soothed me. For once, I found tranquility in words that were rather alien to me and today I wish to share these same words that moved me.

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “It is unlawful to inflict harm upon your self and others, (la dharar wa la dhirar)”. (Mustadrak of al-Hakim)

I did not quite understand by the above hadeeth, so I brushed it at the back of my conscience, deluding myself that what I was doing was not bad; after all I was only inflicting harm on myself, right?

“Harm can not be removed by a similar harm” (meaning, in order to remove harm from another individual, it is impermissible for one to harm himself)”. (Ibn Najaym, al-Ashbah, P. 123).

But the above hadeeth contradicted my ideologies, my twisted sense of morals that I relied on was being questioned. it was only through salvation and guidance that today I sit here and wonder how could I have possibly harmed myself?

It is stated in ‘Sharh al-Siyar al-Kabeer’ the Hanafi textbook, “The human being is sacred whether dead or alive.”In ‘Radd al-Mukhtar’ of Ibn-i-Abidin it is written, “The human being is sacred be he Muslim or non Muslim.”

You can not escape from your thoughts or your misery by hurting yourself. I had to learn this the hard way and everyday I look at my wrist and the marks still glare at me, and I loathe myself for it but there is no time for self-pitying anymore, the past is but the past. Every drop of blood by any human is sacred and should not be wasted. How many people wish their loved ones were with us yet we desire to cross the realm of death with our own hands?Our body is something entrusted upon us and we have to look after it just like we would look after our favourite mercede’s car or our favourite eyelash curler.And so I end this reminisces of mine with a little reminder in hope that you may take heed before it is too late.

There should be neither harming nor reciprocating harm.” [Ibn Majah]

Advertisements